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Canadian Humour

Do feel free to contribute any stories to this wee collection as we'd love to offer more Canadian humour.

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

In Canada, we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.

'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them were died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'

'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?'

'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'

A Newfie decided there was money to be made in lumber so he bought a good chunk of land with lots of trees. He then headed for the local store to purchase a chain saw.

Having purchased one he then set about cutting down the trees.  He didn't think he was doing too well so he went back to the store and complained about the chain saw. The salesman agreed to take it back and give him the next model up.

In another week the Newfie still wasn't satisfied with progress so back he went to the store to talk to the salesman.  The salesman was puzzled about the lack of progress but agreed to give him the very top model they had.

Again the Newfie set to and while he cut more lumber he still didn't think he was doing as good as he should so... you guessed it... he went back to the store. 

This time the salesman decided he should try out the chain saw to make sure it was working correctly so they both went out back. The salesman started the saw...

And the Newfie said "What's that noise?".

Humour of the North
Selected and Arranged by Lawrence J. Burpee (1910) (pdf)

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