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Do feel free to
contribute any stories to this wee collection as we'd love to offer
more Canadian humour.
After the North
American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out
for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I
would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him
one..
The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered.
The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a
Molson's?'
The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'
A Canadian is
walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.. His
friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of
beer for?'
'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.
'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'
Did you hear about
the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were
pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada, we have
two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor
snowmobiling.
A Quebecer, staying
in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.
An American, a Scot
and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all
brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them were died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on
the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the
doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was
a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were
standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said
that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of
$50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet
and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'
'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to
the other two?'
'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over
the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay
his.'
A Newfie decided
there was money to be made in lumber so he bought a good chunk of
land with lots of trees. He then headed for the local store to
purchase a chain saw.
Having purchased
one he then set about cutting down the trees. He didn't think
he was doing too well so he went back to the store and complained
about the chain saw. The salesman agreed to take it back and give
him the next model up.
In another week the
Newfie still wasn't satisfied with progress so back he went to the
store to talk to the salesman. The salesman was puzzled about
the lack of progress but agreed to give him the very top model they
had.
Again the Newfie
set to and while he cut more lumber he still didn't think he was
doing as good as he should so... you guessed it... he went back to
the store.
This time the
salesman decided he should try out the chain saw to make sure it was
working correctly so they both went out back. The salesman started
the saw...
And the Newfie said
"What's that noise?".
Humour of the North
Selected and Arranged by Lawrence J. Burpee (1910) (pdf) |
